Today I want to share some thoughts on sexual love with you.

You are a magical, beloved being on a mysterious journey on this miraculous, blessed earth.
As we grow from babies, to toddlers, to children, to teenagers, to young adulthood, adulthood, mature adulthood to old age, our experience of our sexuality and relationship with others also changes and grows. The experience of sex and love is an expansion of you and your experience of you.
It is full of surprises, delights, mysteries, and miracles.
As we enter the teenage years, our bodies change and develop dramatically, into a physical form that can experience the world differently and even create babies. How amazing is that?!
These physical changes also signal that emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, we are growing and becoming ready for a different kind of connection with another person. It’s exciting! And scary! And wonderful!
I want you to know that just like the rest of your life, the journey into the discovery and experience of your sensuality, sexuality, and connection with others will be unique and full of wonder.
But it is also a shared human experience, so the wisdom of your elders — your parents, your extended family, and other adults can guide you and help you.
Because connecting with someone through touch, especially sexual touch, can be a powerful, life-altering experience, I want to share some thoughts to help you prepare for and savor your first experiences and nurture what comes next.

Honor yourself.
Honor your body, your feelings, your thoughts, your experiences, and your sense of timing. Pay attention to your own sense of what feels right, good, and loving for you. Nobody can be inside of you and sense what you are sensing and feel what you are feeling.
It is your self-loving responsibility to know, speak, and honor your own boundaries, sense of the right time and place, and reasons for things.
Others can want things and feel things and express things — and you get to do the same. Remember that, probably, the experiences are new for your partner too!
Even if the other person is older or more experienced in some ways or the other way around, the connection between the two of you is still something new that both of you are creating together.
There is a strange cultural focus on virginity as sexual innocence. Instead, I want to encourage the honoring of the virginity of each connection: each connection is sacred, virgin undiscovered territory, deserving of honoring and special attention.

Your body is yours.
All the time. That is, just because you hold hands once, doesn’t mean you have to hold hands again. Just because you hold hands doesn’t mean you have to kiss. Just because you kiss someone once doesn’t mean you have to do it again.
Pay attention to what feels right, right now. You get to decide what is right for you, right now. You can say Yes, and you can say No. And you can say, Not now.
As you explore how to express yourself in all the panoply of ways that people express themselves — there are so many languages of clarity and boundaries — remember that you get to feel your way, change your mind, and honor what is right for you, at that particular time.

Your desire is yours.
It is delicious to feel desire. The desire to see someone. The desire to be next to someone. The desire to hold someone’s hand. The desire to hold, to be held, to touch, and to be touched.
You can enjoy that desire, even if nothing comes of it, even if no one else knows about it. So much of life is about actually enjoying your inner experience.
Your awakening sexuality can be an exploration of an incredible array of sensual and emotional delights within you, regardless of what happens with anyone else.
Connect in ways that feel good for you.
The mass media (TV, movies, books, music, even social conversations) and people around you may suggest certain ways you are supposed to act and connect in a romantic way. But actually, you can act in ways that are right for you.
You may want to share a smile and that is enough. You may want to imagine conversations or actually have them. Maybe you want to share a joke, send a text, or write a love letter. Maybe you make something for that special someone or ask him to make something for you.
Maybe you want to dance with her or sing him a song. Maybe you want to just talk at school or do homework. Maybe you just want to hold hands. Maybe you want to just go to a movie with them and talk about the movie. Maybe you just want to invite someone to a family meal.
You get to do exactly is what right for you.

Be gentle with yourself.
Because you are so precious, it is better to take things slow. We make fewer mistakes when we go slow. And we get to savor things when we go slow outside, regardless of how much you are racing inside.
I want you to remember that the other person is someone as precious as you. Even if that person is or acts more confident or knowing, that person is also vulnerable as you are. Each person is very sensitive, even when they don’t seem to be.
Be gentle with yourself so that you can be gentle with others.
Be kind to the other person.
Nothing goes as expected. Everyone makes mistakes. That’s just a part of life. And that doesn’t make us bad or someone else bad or the experience bad
But sometimes we do feel bad, and that’s another way we learn, just like feeling good helps us know what’s right for us, feeling bad lets us know when something is not right for us.
When something feels wrong, try not to blame the other person or yourself, but try to work together to figure out how to make it better. Forgive yourself and others when mistakes happen.
Be kind if you are saying No to someone. Even a No to an invitation can actually be affirming of the other person’s goodness and courage in reaching out to you  – remember that there are always many things happening and acknowledge the goodness of each interaction.

Be aware of risks.
For one, you can get pregnant if you have sex. Having you is definitely one of the best things in life for me. Many parents feel that way about their children. However, getting pregnant before you are ready can be one of the most difficult experiences of life.
Another risk is that you can get sexually transmitted infections. It’s so important to learn about protecting yourself, both from unwanted pregnancy and diseases, long before you actually have sex. You can get certain diseases even from just touching or kissing, so you want to educate yourself well.
And most importantly, your heart and feelings can get hurt, sometimes very, very deeply hurt. There are innumerable thoughts and feelings surrounding sex: honor and shame, delight and disgust, love and betrayal. And hurts can take a lot of time and effort to heal.
So learning how to take care of yourself physically and psychologically is an important practice to get into before you get involved with someone sexually and romantically.
Self-care is a lifetime practice that lovers can nurture in each other. You have your whole teenage years (and then for your whole life after that) to get to know about yourself, about relating to others, about sex and lovemaking and romantic love.
There is no one moment when you will be ready; your readiness is growing all the time. Today you may be ready to enjoy the secret crushes or sharing jokes in class; next year you may enjoy talking to that person you like or holding hands. Take your time.

Enjoy self-love.
As for sex by yourself, (okay, I am going to say it, masturbation!), it is a reliable joy.
You can get lots of information about the wonders of self-love; there are actual skills to learn and practice, just like in pleasuring others and sharing pleasure, there is a repertoire in the art of self-love too.
Remember that sexual energy and pleasure does not happen only in connection with others — it is also about connecting with that blazing energy flowing through you that connects you to yourself, to human experience, to Spirit.

Enjoy sex.
Sex is one of the most magical, satisfying, and thrilling experiences of being human. It is one of the most direct experiences of creation — creating children of course — but more often, it is about creating who you are and the connection you share with your lover.
The re-creational energy of sex is so strong: one might say your soul is created and re-created through connecting with this powerful life energy. It really is sensational and life-giving. Like most things in life, it’s best when shared with deep love and appreciation.
So much advice is possible. For now, let me just say, pay very close attention to what is happening inside you. Paying attention to yourself and becoming aware of what is happening with you will help you sense what is right for you.
It is good to go slow, savor, and enjoy every small detail and every small step of your blossoming.

Love.
Through sexual love, you enter one sure gateway to the heavens and to hells. You will open to the heavens of the sublime and the ecstatic, to the hells of rejection and loss, to the sweet realms of love and intimacy.
Deep transformations of inner and outer life will happen as you embark on your epic odysseys of love.
The compass of your heart and the north star of your soul will help you find your way in the oceanic adventures that await you. You will always have the safe harbors of my unconditional love and support for this voyage as well as all the other voyages of your life.
 
 
 
Unknown  12/09/2014

 When it comes to sex, there’s one act that hits the spot, so to speak, time and time again – oral sex. As the name suggests, oral sex is making love with your partner using your mouth, your lips, your tongue and your breath. In my opinion, even when oral sex is not that good, it is still great and when it’s good, it’s exciting but the difference between great and exciting is quite an order of magnitude! There is one certainty that we should all be aware of: no matter whether you are a novice or regard yourself as a connoisseur, there is always more to learn – there are always we can do so much better and lift the excitement to that “Wow – please don’t stop!”
 
Maybe you aren’t a big fan of Opera  - the uplifting Italian love arias, or the German Wagnerian heroes and Heroines, or even the comedic flair of Gilbert & Sullivan. There is something in operatic music that to me is the passion of life.
For years I san Opera and musical Theatre on many of the major stages of the world especially throughout Germany. I was privileged to learn from some of the great masters of my craft and later became an exacting, yet caring teacher to many aspiring singers.
 
Little did I know that what I learned as a singer and taught would apply to arts in the bed chamber. In the first instance, I developed a breathing control many only dream of and even though I do not sing professionally anymore I still teach couples the art of breathing for sublime pleasure (we will talk about this in a separate blog.) I pride myself on being fairly agile with my tongue, lips and mouth and I have been using many of the techniques that I learned when studying singing that helped me become an amazing giver of oral sex – and the best thing is that I enjoy it!
 
One of the biggest culprits to a singer is tension; jaw tension, tongue tension, neck tension and believe it or not pelvic floor tension. In many of my classes, I teach exercises to help an awareness of tension and ways to release tension. You may not even be aware that neck and jaw tension are having an effect on your abilities as a lover. So the first step – be aware! Are you clenching your teeth, are your shoulders lifted up and tight, is your tongue curled up in your mouth?
Many of you will know how to do kegels by tightening the pelvic muscles – well the same principle applies to the shoulder, neck and jaw area. Try tensing these areas as you take a nice deep breath, then relax the tension as you exhale. Other ways to help relax tension are through massage, stretching and movement.
 
No, I am not here to give you the techniques to exemplary oral pleasure. My recommendation is that you read Ian Kerner ‘s new  radical new philosophy for pleasuring women She Comes First and Passionista - the Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring Her Man  ...  ...… both  essential guidebooks to oral sex.

There are amazing things you can do with your mouth and tongue and with a few simple techniques, you can take your oral sex skills to a new level of mastery. You know when you are doing something right when you can see the look of excitement and pleasure in the eyes of your partner.
The journey through all the varying levels of lovemaking is the most pleasurable experience. Not necessarily just the end result. It’s all about making your partner feel like a true goddess or god.

Self Esteem #2

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”   Marilyn Monroe


When your opinion of yourself goes up and you love yourself and who you are, everything – almost, seems to become lighter and easier. You won’t make as many mountains out of molehills as you did before.

You won’t beat yourself up or drag yourself down over mistakes or temporary setbacks.

When personal self-esteem is low, the very idea of loving yourself or giving completely is a foreign concept. We see ourselves as lacking and unworthy and feel there’s nothing to give, nothing to love.

No More!!

Here are your next things to practice for improving your thinking, developing a healthy love for yourself and improving your self-esteem:


6         Choose something and become proficient at it!
When you practice and become skilled at something you enjoy, the discipline of practice and your increasing proficiency will be a source of pride and fulfillment

7         Exercise
I know, I know   -   not the dreaded exercise again!
Yes, it is true no matter how much regular exercise will make you feel better physically, mentally as well as emotionally –-  feel (and see!) the difference

8         Spend time with a friend/someone special
And –- at this stage at least I am talking about having sex (more on that later!)
Good friends just accept us for who we are, love us for who we are, and provide a good ear in time of need as well as companionship.
Our best friends are a reflection of the good in ourselves

9         Reclaim your integrity
If you feel disoriented, guilty, disorganized and drained - then you are more than likely living outside of your integrity
Integrity means different things to different people; try and define what it means for you; then try and live in accordance with it even if it means – and most likely will, making some changes

10      Live in the right place
I realize this is easier said than done but are you living in a house/apartment/community or city that makes you feel comfortable and at home?  This is a real and important consideration. Think about it – do your living arrangements/location reflect what you really want - your values and ideal lifestyle?
Or is it something you just drifted into or what someone else wanted?

Self- Esteem #1

On a recent workshop trip we were talking with a lovely young woman who was talking about herself. We had mentioned during the course of the workshop: “You need to love yourself. You have so much to offer.” She looked us in the eye and asked: “How, how do I just love myself? What does that mean? I was told before that I should just give as if I was already getting everything I needed.”
Quite a direct and valid question!

When personal self-esteem is low, the very idea of loving yourself or giving completely is a foreign concept. We see ourselves as lacking and unworthy and feel there’s nothing to give, nothing to love.

Low self-esteem is common and a self-fulfilling prophecy. The worse you feel about yourself, the less energy and motivation you have to do what it takes to turn your self-esteem around and feel that you are worthy of giving. And that is usually not all – as our self-esteem continues to be a drag it has a dramatic effect on our thinking. We tend to lock into the negative which more often than not has little or no basis in reality.

Self-esteem improves by changing both our thoughts and behaviors. Through practicing new behaviors our thinking changes and we can then affect our feelings about ourselves. This is important.

Over the next few Buzz-Blogs we will share some actions you can consider taking to practice improving your thinking, develop a healthy love for yourself and improve your self-esteem.

Here are the first five:

1.      Do something creative
Creativity stimulates the brain and releases a different ‘state of mind’ as you become totally engaged and absorbed in what you are doing. Makes you feel ‘good’!

2.       Practice affirmations
Keep a Journal of Affirmation in which you write down positive, loving statements about yourself. We know this is a task but can be extremely beneficial especially if you read your Journal before you go to sleep – also each morning.

3.       Write down your accomplishments
Think back through your life to all that you’ve accomplished. When you list everything you have done that you feel proud of, you will be amazed. Celebrate them! Celebrate yourself!

4.       Take care of your relationships
It is important to focus your love, time, and attention on the people you care about most. Think honestly about your role in how you interact with them. Take careful care of and nurture your relationships – they can and should be for real.

5.       Let go of draining people
Think carefully about the people in your life. Then let go of those who put you down, drain you of energy, take advantage of you or expect you to be what they want you to be and not yourself. As they slip gently out of your life – don’t just cut them off! – start surrounding yourself with loving and supportive people who respect and value you – for you, for who you are.

Many people believe that the No. 1 secret to maintaining a healthy relationship is having good communication skills yet one of the common problems within every relationship is the matter of communication – or let us say mis-understood communication.

This is a vast subject however what we are going to briefly attempt to summarize a new paradigm to communication - a new and different way to think about communication.

Communication is not just language, ideas expression and concepts. These are things we tend to focus on when we don’t want to risk being open and emotionally vulnerable.

Partnerships raise fears and issues – that is only natural and human.

We believe that expressing negative thoughts or expressing fear about your partner creates distance – often a distance that is difficult to overcome. If we can learn to trust and accept the vulnerabilities of both partners – yes, including yourself, then we create intimacy rather than distance  …  …  and ultimately Communication becomes Communion – a partnership.

Couples – without even realizing it negate each other. Imagine the scene – a partner extolling the virtues of the deck painting he has just completed: ‘It looks great – good color choice.’ The other partner immediately chimes in:  ‘About time – he’s been going to do it for over a year!’

Have we all been there?

And it goes both ways – and most of the time is not an intentional put-down  …  … but what a put-down!

The psychology behind such comments is often quite deep but could be as simple as – ‘I’m pissed he could not pick up the kids after soccer, because his golf was too important.’

Another one of the major communication ‘mis-communications’ is appreciation acknowledgement.

Do we ever take our partner for granted! And taking for granted becomes even more an issue as the relationship progresses.

How often do we hear one partner tell friends that ‘he cooks the three nights a week I have an afternoon class’ or ‘I have been so successful in this business, it’s amazing’ – what about the partner support acknowledgement?

Communication on all levels is essential for a relationship to thrive.

Most relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. How ‘issues’ are handled – how they are addressed – or as in so many cases, not addressed and let to simmer just beneath the surface – how they are handled then is a key ingredient in the success of the partnership.

It takes two to communicate well.