Self- Esteem #1

On a recent workshop trip we were talking with a lovely young woman who was talking about herself. We had mentioned during the course of the workshop: “You need to love yourself. You have so much to offer.” She looked us in the eye and asked: “How, how do I just love myself? What does that mean? I was told before that I should just give as if I was already getting everything I needed.”
Quite a direct and valid question!

When personal self-esteem is low, the very idea of loving yourself or giving completely is a foreign concept. We see ourselves as lacking and unworthy and feel there’s nothing to give, nothing to love.

Low self-esteem is common and a self-fulfilling prophecy. The worse you feel about yourself, the less energy and motivation you have to do what it takes to turn your self-esteem around and feel that you are worthy of giving. And that is usually not all – as our self-esteem continues to be a drag it has a dramatic effect on our thinking. We tend to lock into the negative which more often than not has little or no basis in reality.

Self-esteem improves by changing both our thoughts and behaviors. Through practicing new behaviors our thinking changes and we can then affect our feelings about ourselves. This is important.

Over the next few Buzz-Blogs we will share some actions you can consider taking to practice improving your thinking, develop a healthy love for yourself and improve your self-esteem.

Here are the first five:

1.      Do something creative
Creativity stimulates the brain and releases a different ‘state of mind’ as you become totally engaged and absorbed in what you are doing. Makes you feel ‘good’!

2.       Practice affirmations
Keep a Journal of Affirmation in which you write down positive, loving statements about yourself. We know this is a task but can be extremely beneficial especially if you read your Journal before you go to sleep – also each morning.

3.       Write down your accomplishments
Think back through your life to all that you’ve accomplished. When you list everything you have done that you feel proud of, you will be amazed. Celebrate them! Celebrate yourself!

4.       Take care of your relationships
It is important to focus your love, time, and attention on the people you care about most. Think honestly about your role in how you interact with them. Take careful care of and nurture your relationships – they can and should be for real.

5.       Let go of draining people
Think carefully about the people in your life. Then let go of those who put you down, drain you of energy, take advantage of you or expect you to be what they want you to be and not yourself. As they slip gently out of your life – don’t just cut them off! – start surrounding yourself with loving and supportive people who respect and value you – for you, for who you are.

Many people believe that the No. 1 secret to maintaining a healthy relationship is having good communication skills yet one of the common problems within every relationship is the matter of communication – or let us say mis-understood communication.

This is a vast subject however what we are going to briefly attempt to summarize a new paradigm to communication - a new and different way to think about communication.

Communication is not just language, ideas expression and concepts. These are things we tend to focus on when we don’t want to risk being open and emotionally vulnerable.

Partnerships raise fears and issues – that is only natural and human.

We believe that expressing negative thoughts or expressing fear about your partner creates distance – often a distance that is difficult to overcome. If we can learn to trust and accept the vulnerabilities of both partners – yes, including yourself, then we create intimacy rather than distance  …  …  and ultimately Communication becomes Communion – a partnership.

Couples – without even realizing it negate each other. Imagine the scene – a partner extolling the virtues of the deck painting he has just completed: ‘It looks great – good color choice.’ The other partner immediately chimes in:  ‘About time – he’s been going to do it for over a year!’

Have we all been there?

And it goes both ways – and most of the time is not an intentional put-down  …  … but what a put-down!

The psychology behind such comments is often quite deep but could be as simple as – ‘I’m pissed he could not pick up the kids after soccer, because his golf was too important.’

Another one of the major communication ‘mis-communications’ is appreciation acknowledgement.

Do we ever take our partner for granted! And taking for granted becomes even more an issue as the relationship progresses.

How often do we hear one partner tell friends that ‘he cooks the three nights a week I have an afternoon class’ or ‘I have been so successful in this business, it’s amazing’ – what about the partner support acknowledgement?

Communication on all levels is essential for a relationship to thrive.

Most relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. How ‘issues’ are handled – how they are addressed – or as in so many cases, not addressed and let to simmer just beneath the surface – how they are handled then is a key ingredient in the success of the partnership.

It takes two to communicate well.